mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor
mbg Spirituality & Relationships Editor
Sarah Regan is a Spirituality & Relationships Editor, and a registered yoga instructor. She received her bachelor’s in broadcasting and mass communication from SUNY Oswego, and lives in Buffalo, New York.
Image by PedragImages / iStock
May 6, 2023
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We can all understand the importance of empathizing with other people, and especially those we’re closest with, such as our romantic partners. But when triggers arise and conflict is brewing, our ability to empathize can quickly go out the window.
Here’s why experts say those triggering moments are exactly when we should lean into empathy the most, and how it can help save you from a disagreement turning into a fight.
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The case for empathizing before responding
If you’ve ever found yourself getting defensive with a partner, this might sound all too familiar: Your partner has a problem with something you did, and before you consider how they’re feeling, your first knee-jerk reaction is to defend yourself.
But according to licensed couples’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST, while we all have a certain capacity and drive to defend ourselves, this kind of reaction can wind up spelling more trouble for your relationship.
As she previously told mindbodygreen, instead of jumping to your own defense, “Listen to what they’re saying, and make sure that you understand it, from their perspective,” adding not to stop “until you can get in their shoes and see it from their worldview.”
And the key, of course, is to do this before you start constructing your response, she explains, with a goal to truly understand why they’re upset. “That doesn’t mean you agree with them, but you can see the situation through their eyes. Then you can proceed to communicate how you see it,” she adds.
Why it matters
While this slight adjustment in conflict resolution might seem small, it’s actually creating a united front between you and your partner where the priority is teamwork, mutual understanding, and care—as opposed to playing on opposing sides.
As couples therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT previously told mindbodygreen, “There are very few scenarios in which we truly need to defend our point of view. Rather, we are mostly driven to do so by the desire to be right. In these moments, she explains, we are coming from an ego-driven place, which further acts as a barrier to authentic communication and connection.
“Getting caught up in explaining why one person’s perspective is right and the other person is wrong,” according to Earnshaw, “is one of the most unhealthy communication dynamics that people can enter into in relationships.”
Not to mention, according to psychologist and leading relationship researcher, John Gottman, Ph.D., defensiveness is one of four communication habits (AKA the “four horsemen”) tied to an increased likelihood of divorce.
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The takeaway
The bottom line is, while it’s not always easy to hear your partner out when defensiveness bubbles up, it’s an essential practice for the health and longevity of your relationship. When both of you can take this new approach, problems don’t have to spiral into blaming, shaming, or defensiveness, and can instead be a catalyst for compassion and understanding.
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